Contumax Caninus
October 2002
What is this madness with the Alaska Department of Corrections’ guards’ uniforms, lately?
It began earlier this summer with the “test unveiling” of a newly-designed DOC Dress Uniform. Whew! With its powder-blue cuffs and gold stars on night-blue sleeves, gold buttons and braiding, it could have been designed by the most pretentious of the perfumed Pentagon princes – very tin-horned dictator chic.
Evidently, Alaska’s prison guards think that they are being treated like the red-headed step-children of the law enforcement community because they show up at special events, like cop funerals, dressed in their same old grey slacks, blue shirts, and ties (although at one funeral this summer, the enterprising DOC representative (guard) spruced-up his outfit by wearing his spiffy bullet-proof vest).
Now, the latest craze in guard attire is the cargo-pocketed Battle Dress Uniform pant, of military style (though black, as in special forces knife-fighting night-fighter style), and, some of the guards have even taken to blousing the pant cuffs by tucking them into the tops of their, get this...combat jump boots.
Is this last change a reflection of some guards’ post-9/11 wannabe anti-terrorist special-forces fantasies gone amok? Or, is it a symptom of identity confusion on the part of the affected guards, and poor supervision and management on behalf of the shift-supervisors and prisoncrats?
As unwelcome as the news may be, guards are treated like the misbegotten progeny of the law enforcement community, not because of the way they dress, because guards are not law enforcers – they are guards, period. Unlike ignorant citizens, real police officers know that the guards’ own self perpetuated myth that they “walk the toughest beat in Alaska,” is bullshit.
One would have expected that the super powers granted by the new fashions would have enabled the affected guards to have perceived that their working environment has no sand to pour past the tops of their combat jump boots, nor brush to snag their pant cuffs as they hunt, er, chase, ah, count unarmed terrorist-enemies-of-the-State, er, inmates throughout the waxed and buffed concrete and tiled multi-purpose building and housing units here at the Spring Creek Correctional Center.
Truth be told, though, the extra-large cargo pockets do provide guards more room for the food they steal from the satellite kitchens, but I doubt they are sufficient to contain the energy packs necessary to service the special super-powers (granted by the pants, of course) needed to stalk evil doers, ah, prisoners as they attempt to smoke contraband cigarettes, tattoo each other, or masturbate. Those pockets, for certain, will not contain their egos.
Guards should accept who, and what, they are and drop the fantasy-camp combat-look. Believe me, the attitude that goes with the attire is unwarranted, cannot be supported on an individual or collective basis, and does not fit the environment that any guard with common sense really wants to be working in. Alaska’s prison guards should be grateful to be guards in Alaska. Doubt me? Ask any guard working at any Alaska facility who has actually worked as a guard in ANY other prison system.